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What caused this? What am I doing here? Where the hell did all this straw come from? Shit like that.When you're carrying around all these burdens that just seem to have materialized on top of you... Well, a burden you can trace back to its source, even if self-inflicted, is almost a relief.And then there's the rest of it—coping mechanism, stress relief, endorphins, etc. Those help too. It's like a desperate man's massage or something. But really—and I can tell you this now, now that I'm on my way out of the Hole, as Brandon calls it—it's hard to say why depressed people do anything. Just call us crazy. Sometimes that's really the best way to look at it.Of course, I didn't know a lot of this yet. And Kelsey was still giving me weird looks."So, uhm," she said. "You. You like the pain?"I nodded solemnly. That was a bald-faced lie. I was playing with her mind, that was the simple fact."Uhm." Kelsey swallowed. "Why?"I considered that for a moment, tilting my head, looking skyward, my. Harriet found the conversation fascinating and had to admit that the chance to relax in highly intelligent company was a welcome change after long weeks of work, with only Bernard, a man she had little in common with, to talk to. In the months ahead she was to have many more such converstions with members of Algy's circle and was delighted when, one by one, they began to rise to high posts and replace the dead wood above them. It really seemed to her that there might be some future now that such energetic and talented people were taking over.It was also a revelation to her to be told of the quite horrible things these rebels were routinely in the habit of doing as a way of imposing themselves on the people. She had previously felt some sympathy with them, as a Champagne Socialist herself. Algy introduced her over the remaining months of her stay to many unfortunates who had suffered terribly at rebel hands and any sympathy she might once have had for a Leftist uprising disappeared, to.
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